Why do we hate asking for help? Do we think it shows weakness? Are we worried our request will be a burden? Do we worry the person will judge our endeavor? Will they fail us and not be able to lend assistance? By asking for help, do we allow them into the process so much that they make things worse? Are we giving up control? Are we now under there debt and required to help if they ask something of us? Our avoidance of asking for help is most likely a mixture of all of the reasons above, but whatever the reason, people don’t like to ask for help. I know I certainly don’t. My fear of asking for help is rooted in being a burden and being judged.
Even in my destain of asking for help, the last week I have had to ask two people for help. My situation was made more difficult for two reasons. First, the people I needed help from were not what I would consider “close” friends. I had good relationships with these two individuals, but I hadn’t talked to either of these individuals in close to 10 years. The time-lapse in contact made my request feel selfish and completely inappropriate. I thought to myself, “How dare I ask for a favor from people I hadn’t spoken to in 10 years?” And, “What type of schmuck reaches out and asks for a favor after 10 years of radio silence?” The second challenge was that my request required some backstory, some level setting, so meaning my request would need a conversation. E-mail, text, IM wouldn’t cut it. My request for help was going to have to be person to person — no hiding behind the screen, no easy way out. I had to speak my request into existence.
To overcome my first hurdle (what type of jerk reaches out after ten years) I realized that every request for help is selfish. The definition of help is to make it easier for someone to do something by offering one’s services or resources. Any request for help is selfishly motivated. Your “help” assists me in getting something I want. My second hurdle was forcing myself to keep our scheduled time to talk. After getting an appointment on their calendars, I then had to make myself keep the appointment. I was tempted to e-mail these kind souls and tell them that I figured out my situation and didn’t need their time. For one of these meetings I had that very e-mail typed up and ready to send. But I thought about what has harder — canceling the meeting or keeping the meeting. The answer, much to my discomfort, was to keep the meeting. It was the HARD choice.
Both of my conversations had striking similarities. First, we talked for about 30 minutes about what was going on in our lives. (I mean, we did have 10 years to catch up on.) There were graduations, job changes, deaths, and other life events. After reacquainting ourselves, the big moment arrived. I provided the back story and then made my request for help. Much to my surprise, the first response from each person was, “thanks for asking for my help.” I was shocked by this response. I was taken back and unprepared for that response. I laughed at their comments and made a joke about me thanking them. The conversations continued with more detailed questions and thoughtful dialogue around my request The conversation ended with each person telling me that they couldn’t promise anything, but they would commit to helping me the best way they could. Now in hindsight, I could have made a better ask, so see this link so you don’t make some of the same mistakes I did.
I don’t know the final outcome of my request, and at this point, it is out of my control. How it turns out, in the end, is now secondary to being reminded of an important universal truth. Most people like helping others. These two people seemed earnestly grateful that I would ask for their help. My request did not seem like a burden, they did not pass judgment on the validity of my request, but the two people considering my request showed an unexpected sense of appreciation from my request.
Overcoming my fear and asking for help was a powerful reminder that fear gets in the way of all forward progress. Even if these two individuals can’t help advance my project, our relationships have been advanced forward. The act of asking for help created a unique setting for our friendship to be strengthened and evolve into something more than what it was before I asked. I am not saying we are vacationing together this summer, but there is more connectivity as a result of my reaching out to elicit their support.
Ultimately, this new level of connectivity might be the best outcome of my request. This event has as generated two outcomes. First, a tangible reminder that FEAR is a waste of emotion. Second, a closer relationship with two really cool people in this world. Worth the risk — no matter how much help I actually get as a result of my request.
I am reminded of the great advice I received from a great mentor of mine. He was helping me raise some money for a local charity and as we talked about asking an acquaintance for a donation he reminded me that the worse thing someone can say to any request is“No”. He pushed me to add a zero to our request and pull the trigger.
Do yourself a favor, get over yourself, face the fear and ask for help, or as my good friend says — pull the trigger. Who knows your request might do just as much good for the other person as it does for you