NARRATIVE is Easy. NAUNCE is Hard.

In the last two years, I have been reminded how easy I fall for the NARRATIVE. Simultaneously, I have observed how difficult it is to search out NUANCE.  Between covid, vaccines, racial unrest, insurrections, inflation, and war – the world is not lacking for Narrative.  Lately, I have started to wonder why the Narrative is so prevalent.  The new reality is that corporate media is working to meet revenue goals, not uncover the truth.  I am not a moralist, so to me, the debate of whether this 21st-century media is right or wrong is actually just another diversion from the real question.  The key questions are: (1) Are you observant enough to see through the Narrative?  (2) Are you honest enough about your own bias to search for the Nuance?

Buying into the Narrative feels good.  It confirms your beliefs.  It doesn’t require any actual work.  It is the mental equivalent of “belling up to the bar”.   You simply tune into your news trough of choice and consume.  These outlets serve up heaps of negativity and outrage that simply confirm to your current position.  Your brain is washed with dopamine as you are fed a steady stream of your favorite political narrative.   Please don’t hear me judging this phenomenon, and I love the all-you-can-eat buffet as much as the next guy.  But it is our lack of awareness that ignites the over-indulgence of the narrative that keeps us locked in destructive patterns and cripples our growth.   

Growth is hard, and growth requires effort in today’s polarized media ecosystem.  To evolve our beliefs and inform our perspective, we will have to search out nuance.  It will no longer be delivered automatically.   Our society will no longer simply provide “neutral” positions.  The corporate media is no longer interested in “truth” but in transactions.   They have a target audience to placate, thus ensuring financial outcomes.   The only way to overcome the cascade of the narrative is to search for nuance. 

 Transparently, I have been guilty of following the narrative.  I have caught myself over the past months being hypnotized by the narrative.  I only followed people on Twitter who believed the same things I did.  I consumed media that supported my political views.  I found myself ignoring or dismissing data points that challenged my own beliefs.  In hindsight, I realized I was just being intellectually lazy. 

 So, here are signals I use to alert myself that I am being hypnotized by the narrative:    

1.       I listen to my emotions for red flags.  If I become angry, agitated, or irritated by a pollical stance – I take note because I have now lost my ability to be rational.   

2. Conversely, if I find myself feeling oddly comforted by a steady stream of one side of the argument – I have lost my perspective. 

3.       If I find myself judging a person poorly who has differing views than me – merely based on the fact that they have different views.  I discount them.  I dismiss them.   This passive-aggressive shunning means I have bought the narrative. 

 Now, once I have alerted myself to the reality that I have been seduced by the NARRATIVE, here are the steps I take to actively search for the NUANCE. 

1.       I read the news, versus watching it.  The reality is that seeing something has a different effect on my perspective.  

2.       I find three sources from across the media landscape and see what they are saying. 

3.       I pay close attention if I feel that people are trying to shame me into an agreement. 

4.       I dig deeper if I feel that people are trying to eliminate a conversation based on a feeling.

5.       If an idea, belief, or story is called “disinformation” or “misinformation” I put in the work to confirm the statements.  I use these terms as a red flag.  And, the more outlets that claim a belief to be “misinformation” the more suspicious I become.  Especially if the outlets promoting the narrative all have the same political leanings. 

The days of just turning on the evening news or opening the paper and just “trusting” it to be accurate are gone.  Unbiased news coverage has gone the way of the payphone and fax machine.  Technology has made so many areas of our lives much easier and reduced our workload.  In an ironic twist, we have to be aware that modern media is now requiring we use some of this extra energy not needed for many of our day-to-day tasks to be used to search for NUANCE.  We must realize that we must re-allocate some of our energy to the search for NUANCE.   It will be the most important work we do. 

BORROWED confidence is Easy. BEING confident is Hard.

The definition of “borrow” is to take and use something that belongs to someone else with the intention of returning it.  Borrowing assumes the absence of ownership and implies that at some point, a person will give back the borrowed item.  The borrower does not possess the item, and it is only a matter of time until the borrowed item leaves the possession of the borrower and returns to the owner. 

Lately, I have been intrigued by the concept that confidence is too often BORROWED and not owned.  All BORROWED confidence starts with feelings and emotions.  We see something or hear something that stirs up our confidence.  A spark of confidence is lit by the thought of a new business or the idea for a new book.  BORROWED confidence helps drive the annual parade of new gym memberships every January and is responsible for the sales of all of those new gym clothes in December.  BORROWED confidence inspires us to look for a new job but never propels us to actually apply for a new job.

I am not saying that borrowing confidence is bad.  Most of us must borrow first before we own our confidence, but an endless cycle of borrowing can eventually create a perpetual state of uncertainty.  The only reason to borrow confidence is so that you can at some point OWN confidence.  Confident people are not only confident in one thing, but BEING confident infects the hardware of the human operating system.    Dr. Barbara Markway concluded that self-confidence is linked to almost every element involved in a happy, successful life.  Confidence is rarely compartmentalized, which is why it is so important.  Confident people make more money, are more successful, and are happier.  This fact makes borrowing confidence so problematic.  The benefit of BEING confidence is not felt in the short-term but in the long-term.  If we are only confident when we “feel” like it,  we never advance to the state of actually BEING confident.  So we rent, return, repeat . . . over and over again.

So, this begets the question, how can I stop borrowing confidence and BE confident?  The key is to understand that confidence is only built through achievement.  It doesn’t have to be big, grand achievements – but it can be small goals accomplished in a very controlled manner.  You can borrow confidence anytime – listen to a song, watch a movie, read a book – these things prime your emotional confidence pump and get you really excited.  But without the achievement to support the emotion, you are simply borrowing confidence for a few fleeting moments.  Eventually, you run out of the  emotions that generated the confidence.  The payment to BEING confident requires overcoming obstacles and meeting the objectives of your plan . . . aka accomplishment. 

To reach your accomplishments, start small by setting realistic goals.  When confidence is borrowed, people tend to inflate their abilities.  The momentary excitement fueled by emotion cause people to overestimate their abilities.   They bite off more than they can chew and find themselves frustrated.  Frustration leads to dejection, eventually leading to the return of the BORROWED confidence.  So, if you are tired of borrowing confidence and frustrated at the stagnant nature created from BORROWED confidence, break your goals down into small pieces.  Focus on completing the small steps towards your destination, not the entirety of your journey.  Take pride in even the smallest accomplishment.  Even from the smallest of steps, the sense of accomplishment will start to change you from a BORROWER of confidence into BEING confident.   Confidence is too important to rent.  Great achievement requires ownership, so stop borrowing – make the payments required towards BEING confident.     

SURFACE is easy. SUBSTANCE is hard.

We live in a SURFACE-focused world today.  Society rewards physical beauty because it is easy to note the appearance of a beautiful person quickly.  Wealth is admired because nice cars, expensive clothes, and huge homes are impossible to overlook.   SURFACE is easy. 

Twenty-first-century technology cultivates limited attention spans, and studies estimate that since the year 2000, the human attention span has decreased by one-third, from 12 seconds to 8 seconds.  Social media ignites rapid-fire emotional responses based on a comment, a few sentences, or an image or two.  Short video clips engage targeted areas in our brain wired to react to visual stimuli.  Our brains are built to respond to the SURFACE.  We make snap judgments on limited amounts of information.  We do this unconsciously all day long, and it is one of the reasons we have managed to survive for thousands of years.  While we can't and shouldn't ignore the SURFACE, it never tells the entire story.  True knowledge can only be gained once we go through the SURFACE and understand the SUBSTANCE. 

People usually like the SURFACE because it reinforces what we already believe and is not threatening.  The SURFACE does not pressure the closely held belief system much of our world is constructed upon, so we observe SURFACE level structures to avoid the threat of new knowledge that becomes unearthed when we search for SUBSTANCE.  In examining SUBSTANCE, we might find facts that counter deeply held beliefs.  This threat to our pre-conceived notion of the truth would require additional work to re-construct new views and beliefs.  Again, all of this is lots of work.  So, we take the easy path and stay focused on the less threatening SURFACE.

Buck O'Neal was the first African American baseball coach in the major leagues.  At the age of 93, he was attending a baseball game with an author writing a book about his life.  As the two men watched the game, a player went to toss a ball to a kid at the end of the inning.  Immediately, a grown man jumped in front of the kid, snatching the prized ball away from the young fan.  The crowd booed and yelled with disdain at the ball thief.  As the reporter expressed his anger, Buck smiled and told the reporter to be easy on the guy that maybe he has a kid at home and the ball is for his kid.  The reporter quickly asked, well, why isn't his kid here.  To that, Mr. O'Neal suggested that maybe his child is sick. The reporter was taken back by the positive intent Buck kept in light of the damning evidence at hand. 

Buck knew the power in SUBSTANCE and did not let the allure of the SURFACE inform his judgment.  He remained detached from the influence of the SURFACE.  If you care about SUBSTANCE, here are the key steps to get to the SUBSTANCE:

1.       Assume positive INTENT – It is easy to get caught up in how something looks. 

2.       ASK specific questions – To get to the substance, you need to dig.  The intellectual equivalent of "digging" is to ask questions to understand. 

3.       Give some GRACE – People are messy.  We aren't perfect, and mistakes are common.  More importantly, mistakes are required to learn a new skill.  If you can't make mistakes, you will never try.  Grace is the key to help facilitate new behaviors. 

4.       Pay Attention to your HOT BUTTONS – We all have biases.  So, if you find a topic, a person, or a situation that makes you irrationally angry, be aware.  It is doubtful the SUBSTANCE is creating this instant reaction, so push past the SURFACE and see what is brewing below.

5.       Focus on the FACTS, not the FEELINGS -  Our obsession with the SURFACE is driven by our feelings and the only counter to the powerful force of feelings are facts.  Facts are not typically evident at the SURFACE level, so you must be intentional in your effort to find them.

The best part about focusing on SUBSTANCE over SURFACE is that getting to the SUBSTANCE increases our ability to remain consistently happy.  SUBSTANCE satisfies. The SURFACE triggers our emotions and leaves us in a constant state of emotional judgment. While the SURFACE might offer temporary pleasure, it ultimately leaves us empty.   This emptiness forces us to move from one SURFACE to the next, never staying long enough to do the hard work to search for the SUBSTANCE.  Be mindful of your natural avoidance of SUBSTANCE. The work required to uncover SUBSTANCE is well worth the effort. 

Problems are EASY. Perspective is HARD.

For the last year, every single person has been besieged by PROBLEMS.  Covid-19 sparked problems for every single living human.  Whether through sickness and death, the loss of a job, isolation from loved ones, or navigating virtual work and education – at the same time - the higher volume of PROBLEMS left no one untouched.  Now, add to the mix a racial awakening and a presidential election and it is pretty obvious the last 365 days could go down on record as the most stressful, problem-filled time-period ever. 

I fashion myself as a pretty positive guy.  I try to see the upside of things, and I like to think that I understand PROBLEMS are part of everyone's experience on earth.  However, this year I have to admit that I have been mentally overwhelmed by the continual surge of PROBLEMS.  I have worried about family members, colleagues, and my children.  I have felt my focus drawn to un-ending scrolls through social media triggering off rage, sadness, and worry.  The PROBLEMS invade my conscious and subconscious mind, and I feel the stress pressing in from every direction.  This anxiety level is a new occurrence for me. As I mentioned, I typically focus on the temporary nature of most problems.  But, with no real end in sight and an inability to exert any level of control on Covid related restrictions, I have been wallowing in self-pity, self-doubt, and sorrow. 

So, last Saturday, I went to my local YMCA for a work-out.  I was running and worrying.  I was lifting and stressing.  Usually, exercise acts as stress relief, but this morning my focus remained on my own PROBLEMS.  Then, it happened.  My PERSPECTIVE changed. 

I noticed a woman in her late 50's come into the fitness area using a walker.  Every step was labored.  Walking would not accurately describe her mode of progress.  It would be better described as a dragging motion.  She was dragging herself along, only moving 8 to 10 inches at a step.  I watched her struggle to get into the exercise equipment, and then she labored to even place her fragile limbs into the proper position to perform the movement.  Then, when she finally got positioned to do the exercise, she barely moved at all.  I watched her sit on a leg curl machine that is meant to strengthen your quads with a full range of motion of 45 degrees, and she moved the device 5 degrees at the most.  There was no weight added to the machine, but she performed her reps with all the focus and determination required to lift 200 pounds.  She then painstakingly moved off the leg curl machine and headed to the next machine.  I watched her for 20 minutes move from piece to piece, struggling the entire time.  She never had the full range of motion.  She never had any weight on the machine, but she continued to move through her routine. 

As I finished my work-out, I felt inspired to tell her how impactful her efforts had been on my morning.  Here I was, a fully-abled man, consumed with my problems while the woman across from me struggled to walk in the door.  I approached her and shared that her presence that morning had been an inspiration, and I wanted to let her know how impressed I was with her drive and determination.  I asked her what inspires her to keep going.  She commented that she believes she has a purpose and that stopping, quitting, or complaining keep her from that purpose.  She admitted she has days when she is depressed or questions her own existence, but she believes God put her on this planet for a purpose.  She then threw her logic in my face.  She said, "Look, I inspired you this morning.  Maybe because you saw me struggle, you don't focus as much on your struggles.  Maybe you spend the rest of the day thankfully at peace, so then my purpose was accomplished."   

I asked her what her secret is to stay positive.  She said that the key to overcoming any problem is your PERSPECTIVE.  She explained that she had been cripple from birth and that the positive, purpose-driven person before me was not always how she viewed life.  The key to her attitude was PERSPECTIVE.  She remembers that someone always has it worse than her and that she has a remarkable life.  She has a loving husband, three kids and the fact that she is alive is a miracle. She has a deep Christian faith and believes God uses her every day to inspire others.  When she views her life from a PERSPECTIVE of thankfulness, she can't be focused on her problems.  It doesn't mean she is perfect, but what always keeps her out of the depths of depression is the ability to change her PERSPECTIVE.  It re-ignites her purpose and allows her to focus on the right things, not on her challenges. 

So in a year of so many problems, my experience at the gym served as a good reminder of the importance of PERSPECTIVE.   I have been so focused on my PROBLEMS that I have missed many of the positive things right in front of my face.   We all have problems, but my new friend at the gym reminded me that the key is to change your PERSPECTIVE, adjusting your focus, and ultimately pushing you through your current situation.  Be intentional about a purposeful PERSPECTIVE; it can make all the difference in the world.

Expertise is EASY. Predictions are HARD.

The predictions of experts consume our news cycle.  As society struggles with a pandemic, our first inclination is to find “experts” who have years of academic focus on a particular topic and then listen closely to their perspective.  The desire to seek the counsel of “experts” makes sense when the scenario is outside the scope of our understanding – like a pandemic.  We trust that years of study and research will arm these “experts” to make much more accurate predictions, thus informing our own decisions. However, recently we have seen “experts” struggle to make accurate predictions – See British Professor Fired for poor prediction, Arizona health official BEG governor to act – he doesn’t, Covid number still fall, experts predicted there would be NO WAY the NFL could have a successful season, in November 2020 the Institute for Health Metrics and Evaluation predicts by February 1 India to have thousands of deaths per day. Still, as of February 6, India has less than 100. 

So what gives? Why are the smartest people on a specific topic so inconsistent at making predictions?   In his 2015 book, Super Forecasters, Dr. Philip Tetlock explains that the average “expert” is as statistically accurate as a dart-throwing chimp.  YIKES.   The problem for experts making predictions is that the academic rigor, focus, and intelligence required to become an expert are the same traits that cause experts to hold fast to their beliefs.  The stubborn nature of high-achieving experts leads to an inability to make accurate predictions.  Dr. Tetlock found that “experts” rarely seek out new evidence that undercuts their first conclusions, and after years of commitment and study towards developing a “first conclusion,” this places “experts” in a difficult, if not impossible, position. Any new information threatens the tightly held, hard-fought, expensive belief that makes that person an expert.   Tetlock noted that often “experts” replace the HARD question with the EASY one, making their connection to currently held beliefs almost impossible to release.  (See Availability Heuristic)  An interesting metaphor for this scenario is the Fox versus the Hedgehog.  A Hedgehog knows one thing.  It doesn’t matter the circumstance; the Hedgehog knows that curling up in a ball is an effective, smart tactic and has a high probability of success.  But the Fox does not have such a luxury.  The Fox must use a wide range of strategies to survive.  He doesn’t have one thing, so he must make the best decision with the most recent information available.  Experts are hedgehogs.  Super Forecasters are foxes.  When it comes to predictions, you want foxes, not hedgehogs. 

Tetlock describes the philosophical view of super forecasters as cautious, humble, and non-deterministic.  These super forecasters tend to be open-minded, intellectually curious, reflective, and comfortable with numbers.  In “how” they forecast, these super forecasters are not attached to any specific idea or agenda; they can consider other points of view, value diverse perspectives, think in a probabilistic manner, and are thoughtful updaters (meaning they change their views when they obtain new facts).   

Are these the adjectives you would use to describe the pontificating pundits on the news networks – either right-leaning or left-leaning?  Do the “experts” you base your own opinions on possess these characteristics? In situations like pandemics, with millions of deaths, tens of millions unemployed, and out of school,  shouldn’t we be more focused on getting it right, not being right? 

As we all try to navigate well-intended predictions about Covid, here are some questions to consider when deciding whether or not to heed the predictions cast by your favorite “expert”:

1.       If your favorite Covid expert has not updated their predictions and advice since the beginning of the pandemic, you might want to question their ability to make accurate predictions?

2.       If your favorite Covid expert has been wrong in a way that is statistically significant, you might want to question their ability to predict. 

These questions aren’t meant to cast doubt on a person’s expertise but are intended to illustrate the fact that being an expert does not automatically make you good at predicting future outcomes. The skills required to become an expert and make expert predictions are not the same, so it is up to all of us to be thoughtful updaters - and evolve our viewpoint around experts. In a time of crisis, we need to focus on following the most accurate predictions, which in the end is probably NOT coming from an expert.    

STARTING is Easy. STOPPING is Hard.

As society is having limited success in the return to normal, (see Chicago teacher strikes, Canadian Cruise Ship Ban, and Iowa reduction of Mask Mandate) I have observed an interesting truth.  It is easier to “start something” than to “stop something”, even when there is clear evidence to the benefit of stopping. This reality is evident in private, public, and political matters.  There seems to be no way to avoid the challenges associated with “stopping.”   

Personally

I have dated an average amount over the years.  It was always exciting to start a new relationship—the possibilities of an intertwined future filled with a life of love and companionship.  The first few weeks of a new relationship are filled with exciting moments and high levels of euphoria.  But then reality arrives, and the relationship must be able to support itself with comfort, compatibility, and a shared life view – all of these are much less fun than the sparks that initiated the relationship.   Because most people average between 3 to 5 serious relationships before finding “the one,” nearly every person has experienced the pain involved in getting out of a relationship.  I have yet to meet a person who enjoys the breakup, and most people are not good at ending relationships.  See evidence of some of the worst breakup stories - HERE.    

Professionally

The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics calculates that up to 20% of new businesses fail in the first two years, 45% fail in the first five, and 65% fail in the first ten.  Now, these aren’t mom and pop sized businesses; these include multi-million dollar companies.  Scrolling through a recent article, “202 of the Biggest, Costliest Startup Failures of All Time,” you can see some of these companies had funding levels between $300 million and $1.7 billion.  Companies didn’t rack up these huge deficits by poor management alone.  In a cramped board room, somewhere, sat a group of well-intentioned, passionate entrepreneurs who believed so much in their idea that they kept convincing others to continue in their support. These leaders couldn’t stop chasing their dream. 

Politically

The United States still has about 2,500 troops in Afghanistan.  The War in Afghanistan officially ended in 2014, but the United States continues to commit troops to this region.  This year will mark the 20 year anniversary of having troops deployed in Afghanistan.   The tragedy of 9/11 inspired our nation to take action to bring those responsible to justice.  However, after nearly two decades, the challenge of “stopping” our Afghanistan involvement proves to be problematic. 

Virtual Education

It is estimated that at least 76% of students are engaged in virtual education – either entirely virtual or in some form of hybrid education.  The decision to launch into virtual school was the right decision in the Spring of 2020, but as more research becomes available, the decision to “get back to class” seems to be overly strenuous.  Even with the following data points to support in-person learning, ending virtual education has been slow to eliminate:

·        CDC says it is safe to return

·       European schools are fully open and safe

·       Studies show rare in-school transmission of Covid-19

Our brain is not wired for “ending things.”   Humans believe they are “logical beings,” but study after study shows that humans are not logical.  We struggle to end things because of a cocktail of powerful mental short-cuts that hijack our ability to think rationally.   The following mental shortcuts induce our avoidance of stopping: 

·       ambiguity effect (we prefer what is known to us)

·       anchoring bias (we rely on the first piece of information)

·       availability heuristic (we believe things that happened recently are more likely to occur in the future)

·       commitment bias (we support past ideas, even when presented with evidence they are wrong)

·       confirmation bias (we interpret data favoring our current belief)

·       framing effect (our decisions depend on how information is presented to us)

·       The illusion of Validity (we are overconfident in our predictions)

·       Illusory Truth Effect (we believe misinformation more easily when it is repeated)

·       Loss Aversion (we prefer to avoid losses to acquiring equivalent gains)

·       Negativity Bias (we feel negative events more intensely)   

 Any one of these heuristics can dampen your desire to “stop”, even if logically you know that stopping is exactly what is required.  The question is how can we make stopping easier? 

First, be mindful of your emotional levels as you enter situations.  If high levels of emotion make you feel overly happy, overly excited, too fearful, or outraged, be mindful of starting that activity or engaging in that situation.  Strong emotions draw you towards “starting” actions.  It feels good, and creating something new usually makes people feel better.  The best way to avoid the pain required in stopping is by never starting. Second, plan your exit strategy before you “start” the event.  Pick some data-driven markers that can help trigger your decision to stop.  Businesses struggle with this tactic and continue to chase revenue for years after ignoring obvious fiscal realities.  Finally, communicate the exit strategy with someone who can remind you of your plan.  This accountability partner can help provide perspective and clarity once you become clouded by the mirage of continuation.    

 “Stopping” will never replace “starting” as the primary catalyst, which is a good thing.  If stopping were easier, we might never finish anything.   “Starting” will always be more engaging, but we need to be aware of our avoidance of stopping.   We need to be mindful of the difficulties “stopping” requires and plan to account for those difficulties.   Albert Einstein said it best, “Any intelligent fool can make things bigger and more complex.  It takes a touch of genius and a lot of courage to move in the opposite direction.” 

Protection - EASY to promise, HARD to provide.

Last week, Robinhood (the free-trading app that lets retail investors trade stocks, options, ETF's and cryptocurrency commission-free) limited the buying of  GameStop stock.  The CEO stated the reason for this unprecedented limitation was to ". . . protect our customers".  Now, Wall Street billionaires protecting each other is not a new development, so financial corruption is not really my point.  (But if you want to learn more about the Robinhood/GameStop saga's specifics, check it out HERE.)   So, while the details of this story are not compelling, I am fascinated to see "protection" once again used as a rationale to inhibit free choice. 

The Robinhood/GameStop saga is another in a recent wave of this idea of "protection."  The Covid pandemic has ushered in unprecedented measures of governmental "protection."   Our governments have mandated masks, required certain distances to be kept, limited the number of people who can gather publically, and even set limits on the number of people who can gather in your own homes – all in the name of "protection." Government officials have asked us to cancel holidays, weddings, and funerals – so we can do our part to protect others.  Nursing homes have limited access to families to "protect" them from the virus.  Schools have been canceled to "protect" the children and "protect" their family members.   While I have a personal perspective on these measures, my thoughts don't matter.  The real question is, who bears the ultimate responsibility for "protection"? 

I contend that "protection" is a personal responsibility.  The level of protection a person desires is an individual choice and fluctuates based on the situation. So, someone may be risk-averse with their financial investments and take a great deal of risk in their personal life.  Risk and the need to be protected is based on a complicated equation built on personally held beliefs involving risk tolerance, rewards, goals, and past experiences.  Protection is not administered in a one-size-fits-all method.   As our society becomes more connected, large organizational structures feel the pressure to provide blanket protection to protect as many people as possible.  This strategy ultimately implodes upon itself due to unintended consequences and the human desire for self-determination.  People are wired to have free will, and while protection is logically understood for short periods, long exposures to forced protection will ultimately create more harm than good.   Here are some examples:

CHILDREN.  There is nothing more important for me than to protect my children, but my strategy for creating this protection must evolve.  If I tried to parent my 13-year-old the same way I parent my 2-year-old – even while arguing, "I want to protect you." I would limit the growth and happiness of my child.  My 13-year-old would be much safer if I treated them like a 2-year-old, but that strategy would ultimately damage their long-term success.  It would be better short-term, worse long-term.

FOOD.  We know that hundreds of thousands of people die each year because they consume unhealthy food: obesity, heart disease, and diabetes plague our nation.  One could argue that we should limit certain types of foods to "protect" people from death and disease.  The elimination of these unhealthy foods would certainly save lives, but making such strict guidelines would limit the human experience. 

ROBINHOOD.  Robinhood claims they are protecting their users from financial hardships.  They contend the lack of experience of their users prevents them from making informed decisions.  Robinhood is saying that we (the company) know better than you and don't want you to lose your money.  The problem with this position is that it also does not allow the user to make any money.  While Robinhood is indeed protecting the user, it is also eliminating the opportunity for prosperity, and many of these users would sacrifice guaranteed protection for potential prosperity.

LOCKDOWNS, MASKS, AND CLOSINGS.  For nearly a year, society has experienced extreme changes.   Covid-19 has killed over 400,000 people and damaged millions of lives. So the need for “protection” is legitimate.   So, governments all over the world acted to "protect" their citizens.  Lockdowns were instituted, masks were required, schools were closed, and large gatherings were made illegal.  At the beginning of the pandemic, most people supported lockdowns and understood that the uncertainty around COVID-19 precipitated the need for drastic measures.  However, as time went on, other unintended consequences began to threaten the validity of lockdowns.  Every day, more and more information comes to light showing the negative impact of these measures.  Suicide, drug abuse, domestic violence, and unemployment are all at an all-time-highs.  Even the lockdowns themselves have yet to prove out as effectively stopping the spread of Covid-19.  See California vs. Florida by the numbers and/or comparing FL to the ten other most restrictive states.  Even with all of this new information, "protection" continues to be used to validate lockdowns, masks, and other aggressive measures to create a perception of protection.  Regardless your political stance, there is no evidence that clearly shows lockdowns are effective in slowing the spread of Covid-19. Yet, we continue to be “protected” by our governments.

So, what are we left to do about “protection”.   

Based on real-world outcomes and examples, it seems to me that "protection" is best administered by the individual and is a personal responsibility. When we pass off the burden of "protection" to other entities – we will be disappointed.  The larger the entity, the larger the disappointment.   Protection can not be delegated and is ineffective when mandated.   

To take it one step further, it appears that people should even be wary when groups or others create mandated systems promising "protection." Suppose protection is indeed best facilitated personally, to safeguard individual self-interest. In that case, it is likely that governing bodies (and individuals leading these groups) are also acting in their self-interest when mandating long-standing protective requirements.    They use the narrative of "your protection", but are motivated to protect themselves, whether that be their position, their money, or simply their way of life. 

Be accountable for your own protection. Don't look to others for "protection". Have the confidence to take a course of action that YOU see fit because leaving your safety up to others might be a more the most dangerous proposition of them all.

HERE is easy. THERE is hard.

The invisible walls of HERE have imprisoned all of us at one time or another.  HERE is often associated with physical locations – like staying in our current city or staying in our current job.  But the more powerful form of HERE is invisible.  It is the mental and spiritual HERE that is the most destructive.  An inner HERE manifests in the form of deciding to remain in our current relationship or holding onto a long-held, out-of-date perspective.  Every form of HERE limits our potential and does not allow for new opportunities, perspectives, or growth.  Escaping from HERE requires great effort because the benefits of HERE are so enticing to the wiring of our caveman brain.  HERE is automatic, but THERE is effortful. 

              Why is HERE so powerful?  HERE feels safe because it is known.  We are comfortable with HERE.  HERE offer stable, expected outcomes.  We choose to stay HERE because we know what happens HERE.   We understand how HERE operates.  Even when bad things happen HERE, we know precisely how bad things will be.  Before we know it, HERE is our default setting.  The ebbs and flow of HERE become predictable.  The ease of HERE becomes its most valuable (and only) asset.  There is no doubt that at some point, all of us require the easy resting place HERE provides.   But when “HERE to rest” becomes “HERE to stay,” we risk becoming soft, entitled, risk-averse creatures of habit.

The benefit of THERE is not related to the actual destination, but the true value of THERE is found in the work required in moving from HERE to THERE.  The value of THERE is in the effort needed to navigate the trip to arrive THERE.  It is not surprising to discover that a recent British study found that “moving to a new home” is the most stressful life event.   The process of transitioning from one location to the next – whether physical or mental – is HARD.  Anytime we move from HERE to THERE, we are required to learn new skills, overcome new challenges, conquer unforeseen problems.  The road to THERE is filled with snares and pitfalls.  But it is the stress of the trip that unlock the benefit of THERE.  The growth is not found in the better view of THERE, but rather the growth is found in the difficult obstacles overcome on the journey from HERE to THERE. 

              In the end, the exact location of your THERE is irrelevant.  The true value is getting out of your comfort zone and moving THERE.   Each of us lives in a unique HERE, and it is up to each of us to decide the right time to move to our next THERE.  THERE might be a political point of view or a spiritual belief.  THERE might involve race or sexuality.  THERE could be exiting an unproductive or even abusive relationship.  THERE might be viewing yourself in a new light or creating a new inner dialogue of self-talk.  Whatever your THERE is, don’t let fear be the deciding factor in your decision to get moving. Franklin Roosevelt said, “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the assessment that something else is more important than fear.”  I don’t pretend to know your specific THERE, but I do know that it is critical to move from where you are standing now.  Have the courage to do the HARD thing, purposefully decide to move to your next THERE.

Best Ever? Jordan is the easy answer. LeBron is the right answer.

The all-time sports bar debate (best ever – Jordan or LeBron) has hit new heights because of the recent documentary – the Last Dance.  While I enjoy Jordan, I become confused about how people so easily give the title to Jordan.  If people could throttle back their inner 12-year-old fanboy and just look at the numbers, they might be surprised what they find. 

The most overlooked metric is “Support From Team.”  The reason it is overlooked is that it does not exist.  I made this one up myself.  Here is my rationale.  Jordan and Lebron can be evaluated by the state of their teams AFTER they left.  By examining the change in regular-season wins after each player departed, we can understand the strength of their supporting cast and how much both MJ and LBJ potentially contributed to the overall team success. 

Bulls 92-93 Season Wins – 57 (with Jordan)

Bulls 93-94 Regular Season Wins – 55 (no Jordan)

***This shows that without Jordan the Bulls were able to win 96.4% of their games.  

Cleveland 2009-2010 Regular Season Wins – 61 (with LeBron)

Cleveland 2010-2011 Regular Season Wins – 19 (without LeBron)

***This shows that without LeBron the Cavs only won 31.1% of their games. 

Heat 2013 – 2014 Regular Season Wins – 54 (with LeBron)

Heat 2014 – 2015 Regular Season Wins – 37 (without LeBron)

***This shows that without LeBron the Heat won 68.5% of their games. 

 Cleveland 2017-2018 Regular Season Wins – 50 (with LeBron)

Cleveland 2018-2019 Regular Season Wins – 19 (without LeBron)

***This shows that without LeBron the Cavs won 38% of their games. 

If you average LeBron’s “support of team” score, you get 45%, versus MJs of 96%.  The score shows that the pieces surrounding LeBron (other players, coaches, front office) were much weaker than those surrounding MJ, proven by the wins earned without each player the following season.  Because LeBron left three times, and each of the three times the team he left saw a considerable decline in wins, it proves the viability of this metric.   

So, let’s see who is the more valuable player. 

Metrics Omitted - I didn’t include things like League MVP’s, Series MVP’s, Defensive Player of the Years, or All-Star appearances.  I decided not to include anything that required a “vote.”  The mechanism of voting in sports is influenced by a wide range of factors and doesn’t directly correlate to the skill of the player.  (See Karl Malone MVP in 1997 and Derrick Rose MVP in 2011.) 

In Conclusion - Why is it that we are so focused on Jordan’s undefeated finals record of 6-0 in the finals, especially in a team sport like basketball.  What if I was comparing two Olympic swimmers and one had won 6 golds, but the other one had 3 golds and 5 silvers.  Which is the better swimmer?  I could argue both sides, but what I couldn’t do is say hands down the winner of 6 golds is a significantly better swimmer.    

LeBron is more valuable than Michael.  Sorry, Jordan fanboys around the world.  You have been emotionally hijacked by shoes, commercials, and propaganda masked in the form of documentaries.  You know how you roll your eyes when your grandparents say, “It was so much better in the 1950s.”  Every time you jump on twitter and lay a sacrificial tweet at the feet of Jordan, you are being driven by the same mental error as your grandparents.  You misremember the past, not based on facts but on the feelings you have about that period of time. 

Feelings are EASY, but facts are HARD.  Jordan lovers, be better – stick to facts, even if it means you have to abandon your presidency of the Jordan Fan Club.  Think about a new mind-set on this topic as a form of practice, because ultimately the argument of Jordan vs. LeBron doesn’t matter.  But what does matter is one’s ability to consume new information that causes an adjustment to your perspective.  When we use feelings to validate our position, it is only a matter of time before we stop listening to facts.  Once we stop listening to facts, we become entrenched in personal beliefs and lose our ability to grow and evolve.  Without the ability to evolve, we become irrelevant and ultimately angry and disconnected from reality. 

So, take the first step to stave off irrelevancy and accept the fact that LeBron is better than Jordan.

COULD is easy. STATISTICS are hard.

COVID-19 has unleashed an avalanche of COULD.   We are bombarded daily by experts telling us what COULD happen.  To understand the wide range of COULD, simply turn on the news and see how differently COULD is used in the context of this pandemic.  It ranges from “this virus COULD kill millions” to “this virus COULD be no more deadly than the flu.”  In full transparency, I do not know who to believe, and if I am candid, I am drawn to the gloom and doom version of COULD.  The bleak image of millions of deaths captures my caveman brain that is wired to avoid pain, danger, and death.  I breeze over the best case COULD and unconsciously attach my attention to the worst case of COULD.   The result of this attachment to the worse case COULD then drives my thoughts and actions as I respond to the changing landscape of the pandemic.  But when I look back at some of these early predictions of what “COULD” happen I am shocked at the inaccuracy. 

• In mid-March, the White House predicted that up to 2.2 million people COULD die from Covid-19, and then by the end of April those numbers were reduced to 240,000. 

• On March 24, experts predicted that Florida COULD see 465,000 people hospitalized, but as of May 1 only 2,011 were hospitalized. 

• In early April, Vanderbilt University predicated that Tennessee COULD have 5,000 citizens hospitalizations at the mid-May peak, but as of May 13 200 people had been hospitalized and have changed the expected peak level to 300.

COULD is easy, especially when it accompanies fear.  Humans are wired to be much more aware of the danger and focus on even the most remote chance of harm.  This primitive, illogical, habit has allowed our species to flourish.  And while the awareness of all of the things that COULD happen is important, we must not become paralyzed by COULD.  Imagine if we took COULD to the most severe degree we would never get out of bed.  Here are some things that COULD kill you:   falling down stairs (12,000/year), drowning while taking a bath (14,000/year), snakebite (50,00/year), dog bite (25,000/year), or getting hit by a car (6,000/year).  

COULD becomes powerless when confronted with STATISTICS.  While this reality is hopeful, it is also troubling because humans are horrible at statistics.  Not only are humans bad at the actual computation required to leverage STATISTICS, but we are also even worse at reminding ourselves to ground our fears in the realities of statistics.  We must purposefully engage the part of our brains that use statistics. Emotions are automatic.  Math, not so much. 

So, in an effort to keep myself sane, I focus on the following STATISTICS when I am overwhelmed by all of the news of what COULD happen.   

• People under the age of 65 have a 1 in 5,464 chance of dying from COVID-19.  For a point of reference, 1 in 2,618 people die from choking, and 1 in 7,077 people die from sunstroke.

• 80% of deaths occur to people over 65 years of age.

• 33% of deaths have occurred in nursing homes.

I am not arguing to totally resume a normal way of life, but continued isolation because of what COULD happen seems to be ineffective. See - New York Governor Shocked that most new cases come from people on lock-down, and Covid-19 Deaths decline in Georgia and Florida. At-risk populations need to remain diligent in keeping themselves safe, but people need to anchor themselves in the reality of the STATISTICS, not in the ambiguity created by COULD. 

NOW is easy. NEXT is hard.

Getting caught up in the circumstantial drama of your present situation (the NOW) is easy. NOW gets your attention because of the real-time influences created at the present moment. NOW can be fun, and when it is, we love NOW. We love NOW when it involves a new relationship, a fresh experience, or a great meal. But, because humans are more aware of the pain, NOW is usually experienced through a negative filter. To often, NOW is filled with fear, guilt, remorse, anger, and worry.

We become a prisoner of the moment, especially if the moment is unpleasant. We give an absurd amount of energy to the present discomfort we experience. We wallow, we complain, we hold grudges, and we use these wasted emotions to create an impenetrable jail cell trapping us in the present. The worst of these self-created jails are built when we perceive the world is conspiring against us. These cells are created with words like fairness, deserving, impartiality, decorum, and legitimacy. As a result of our focus on the present, we become trapped by our circumstances. We spin and in these revolutions, we remain stagnant. We expend a great deal of energy but do not move anywhere.

We convince ourselves that we are defined by NOW. We construct a scenario in which we are defined by our current situation. In the fog of NOW, we fail to remember that the present can not be changed. The NOW we experience is produced by the collection of our past decisions and then forged by the heat and pressure of the current circumstances.

The truth is that the moments we experience in the NOW are not defining, but descriptive. Especially during difficult times, we mistake a momentary description for a permanent definition. We let this simple misclassification influence our actions, and this misclassification becomes the real problem.

We need to remember that we are defined by our NEXT actions, not by how we feel NOW. Our NEXT thoughts and actions create the defining properties that will shape the future. It isn’t about what you did yesterday or how you feel right now, but it is about what you do NEXT. How you are defined is dependent upon your NEXT thought, NEXT conversation, or NEXT decision. The only thing in your control is what happens NEXT. The past is over, the present is underway, but the future is undetermined. No matter how bad you have messed up, no matter how rough your circumstance, you can adjust your trajectory by focusing on what to do NEXT.

The future will be defined by your NEXT action, and the NEXT, and the NEXT. It is the collection of these NEXT steps that determine your outcome. So, stop lamenting the past and over-analyzing your present. Focus on the quality and execution of your NEXT action to improve your ultimate outcome.

Negativity is easy. Positivity is HARD.

Researchers have discovered that it is much more advantageous to view life through a negative lens. In a 2001 article published in the Review of General Psychology, the authors explained that it is evolutionary adaptive for “bad” to be stronger than “good.” Organisms that are better attuned to bad things are more likely to survive threats. Therefore, a person who ignores the possibility of a positive outcome may later experience regret, but the person who ignores the danger of a potentially bad outcome may end up injured (emotionally or physically) or dead. We know that humans absorb negativity seven times more easily than positivity. This trait is why we remember the bad times more than the good times. We are hard-wired to pay closer attention to the negative forces in our environment. So, it becomes even more important to intentionally focus on positivity.

I don’t want to be ignorant about the troubling things that occur every day. Bad things happen. People endure horrific life situations. Everyone experiences challenging times that include sorrow, pain, and sadness. The human existence, in itself, makes bad things an inescapable reality. To make matters worse, often, we can not immediately improve our circumstances. We can’t snap our fingers and magically make our pain disappear. While we can’t force our things to improve, we can avoid making them worse.

It all starts with self-talk or the internal dialogue with yourself. The little voice we all have that is chattering away throughout our day. We control this voice. We give this voice words and perspective, which ultimately empowers this little voice to dictate our actions. The message of our inner voice is dependent on the fuel we provide it. Negative fuel gives this voice negative words, while positive fuel creates positive words. The fuel powers the message. The message directs our actions, and our actions dictate our outcomes.

The law of substitution suggests that we can only keep one thought in our minds at a time. The challenge becomes, how do we keep these thoughts positive even when our circumstances are truly difficult. This is what makes positive HARD. We must work to control the self-talk of our minds. The food that feeds positive thoughts isn’t just sitting around; it must be hunted, prepared, cultivate, gathered, and consumed with purpose. Conversely, negative thinking is like cheap, processed, junk food that is available everywhere. So, here are some things you can do to make positive self-talk a little easier.

· Eat three meals of “gratitude” per day. Most of us consume three meals per day to replenish the fuel our bodies need to run, so do the same for your positivity. Start each meal by thinking of three things you are grateful for and pick three different things each meal — don’t cheat!

· Make A Mix Tape of Positivity. Most of us have phones that have voice recording capabilities. Go on your computer and find positive talks, podcasts, sermons — put some time in to listen to positive messages. Find the sections that inspire you and record them. You don’t need to have a ton of technical training, simply put your phone by the speaker of your computer — record. Get a thirty-minute mix-tape. Play this recording throughout the day.

· A Trigger Quote. Find and memorize a small but powerful message that inspires positivity. It can’t take more than 5 seconds to recite. It has to have personal significance and trigger you to think positively. My own Trigger Quote is a verse of scripture: Hebrews 13:6 “The Lord is my helper. I will not be afraid.” Feel free to use mine, but I would challenge you to find your own.

It is easy to be overcome by the negative thoughts, to wallow in the tough circumstances. It is easy to make things worse and hold-on-to the negativity created by difficult situations. Don’t stay in that space. Instead, make the HARD choice and choose positivity.

Your Struggle is CERTAIN. Your Response is a CHOICE.

Last week, nearly 2/3 of my co-workers were furloughed. This means that 161 of my colleagues are now left in a state of chaos as they question what is next. I have been there myself. It is a scary, sad, unpleasant place to be. My organization is not alone; many organizations have been forced to make this incredibly tough decision because of the COVID-19 pandemic. Economic projections estimate that the pandemic could increase the number of unemployed Americans to 47 million people in the US (currently 10 million).

The recent events caused by this unexpected pandemic remind us all that no one is above Struggle. Life deals every single person difficult times, and there is no escaping this reality. However, rarely does a single event impact millions of people at once like COVID-19. Most often, we experience events of Struggle in a personal fashion. The Struggle arrives in the form of a bad medical report, a failed marriage, a sick family member, or the loss of a job. COVID-19 has unleashed Struggle on the entire world like an avalanche of difficulties consuming entire cities, industries, and economies in one singular event.

Whether the Struggle is a singular, personal event like the death of a loved one, or in the form of a worldwide pandemic, the choice is the same. Episodic Struggle can help make a person resilient, and much of our struggle in the United States is episodic. Our modern lifestyle has made much of our Struggle irregular, only lasting a short time. But the Steady Struggle of events like COVID-19 gives people the rare opportunity to become antifragile.

Antifragile is superior to resilience because where resilience is toughness, antifragility is growth. Nassim Taleb explains the concept of antifragility in his book, Antifragile. Taleb explains, “Antifragility is beyond resilience or robustness. The resilient resists shocks and stays the same, the antifragile gets better.” It is one thing to simply weather the storms of life, to survive, to exist. But what if we could use the Struggle to improve, not merely to bounce back, but to see significant gains in the process of the Struggle.

Our current Struggle would be a waste if we simply endured it to then return back to the same state as before COVID-19, if we merely absorbed or repelled the impact of COVID-19. The beauty in the struggle of COVID-19 is that it seems that our entire society will have some opportunity to become more antifragile. The question becomes how you choose to use the Struggle, do you merely stand against the onslaught of Struggle? Do you simply weather the storm to emerge water-logged and hardened, but not truly improved?

I argue that we shouldn’t waste the Struggle created by COVID-19. As we emerge from the chaos, we should have renewed confidence in our ability to withstand a litany of difficulty. The growth will only be evident if when life returns to normal you still choose the HARD option. Do you take that online course? Do you leave an unhealthy relationship? Do you plan intentional time to spend with your loved ones? The growth isn’t that you are comfortable using one sheet of toilet paper per trip to the restroom, but that you willingly embrace (even look for), the HARDER of two options.

“Wind extinguishes the candle, but energies the fire.” The winds are strong, so which will you choose — candle or fire. Use the winds of COVID-19 to fuel your fire so as life returns to normalcy you possess the heat and energy to accomplish anything you desire.

Hard Choices — Plenty to go Around

As the world has shut down because of coronavirus, the volume of HARD choices has increased exponentially. Scariest of all, these choices are dictated to us by forces outside of our control. People are facing personal health fears, worries about their families, and trying to figure out how to teach 4th-grade math while having a weekly team meeting, virtually. Businesses are struggling to determine what to do with employees when the revenue is gone, and workers begin to realize they do not have enough cash savings to weather a long dry spell. All of these decisions are thrust upon us by uncontrollable forces, a very new sensation for society.

This virus has forced HARD choices upon the entire population. Previous HARD choices now seem trivial and extremely optional. Do I pass on the fries? Do I get up early to exercise? Do I put in a few extra hours on that work project? Do I reach out to my estranged sibling? Do I put my phone down for dinner? At the moment, these choices felt extremely difficult. Now, with the perspective of a world-wide pandemic, we understand the real shallowness and emptiness of these types of “hard” decisions. For the first time, entire generations sit at the precipice of a once in a lifetime opportunity. Opportunity? Yes, opportunity.

Charles De Gaulle said, “Hardships often prepare ordinary people for an extraordinary destiny.” De Gaulle led the French resistance during World War II, and chaired the provisional French government from 1944 to 1946 to re-establish democracy in France. De Gaulle knew the power of HARD choices. He understood the formative properties that accompany choosing the HARDER path. History shows us that people and societies that embrace HARD times are significantly more resilient and emotionally more durable than before the traumatic event occurred. The personal growth from these events is easier said than done; below are simple strategies on how to mentally position yourself to reap the benefits of the HARDSHIPS at hand.

1. Be grateful. Everyone has something to be grateful for, even in the worst moments. Start the day by writing down three things you are grateful for, regardless of how dire your situation seems. Find a “grateful” buddy and share your list of three.

2. Keep it small. It is easy to focus on the future scenarios of doom and despair. It is easy to get caught up in “what if” scenarios. Keep your attention on small controllable outcomes and keep your goals in tight windows of time. (Example — No news for one day.)

3. Take Action. Now, with a quarantine, this may require some creativity. But why not write the book you have always wanted to, or polish up your resume. Start a physical challenge. Action is a cure-all, and taking action occupies your mind. Action initiates forward momentum, even if you aren’t exactly sure where you are going.

The future is uncertain, and things will most likely get worse before they get better. How we choose to respond will not only dictate our near term state of existence but will go a long way to strengthen our overall resiliency. Resiliency is the best benefit of HARD decisions. The choice is yours. One thing is sure; you will have plenty of opportunities to practice HARD choices over the next few weeks, so choose wisely and use this opportunity to invest in your future success.

HARD CHOICES make Champions

Two weeks ago, Tyson Fury defeated Deontay Wilder for boxings heavyweight title.  The fight was never that close, and Tyson Fury defeated Wilder pretty handily.  I like boxing as much as the next guy, but it wasn’t what happened in the ring that piqued my interest.  I happened to watch an interview Tyson did before his match, and what Tyson discussed was fascinating. 

Tyson took an extremely disciplined approach to his pre-fight training camp.  He did not see his wife and children during the ten-week camp.  Tyson stopped drinking diet sodas, of which he consumed up to 30 per day.  He did not drink any alcohol, and he only ate what his nutritionist allowed.  In Tyson’s words, he “took everything dear out of my life.”  The interviewer astutely observed that this drastic approach wasn’t just about being healthy but more about sacrifice.  Fury said, “I always train hard, but this time I pushed it to the extent that I couldn’t have done more.” 

Simply stated, Tyson Fury did more hard things than his opponent.  He embraced the sacrifice needed to do these hard things, and his decision to drastically increase the volume of hard choices paid off in the ring.  Fury knew that both men are great boxers (the previous match resulted in a draw), so Fury knew he had to do more if he was to be victorious.  It couldn’t just be about strategy, or more training or more sparring.  Tyson Fury focused on the small aspects of this training that strengthened his decision muscles. His overall mindset to embrace hard choices at every opportunity proved to be the difference between Fury and Wilder. 

Fury’s victory made me think about my own “fights.”  In quiet self-reflection, I realized that in my own failed pursuits, I often scrambled to simply do MORE.  In my losses, I focused on the wrong thing.  I chased activity versus outcomes.  I focused on external threats versus internal messaging.  It has become apparent that I need a new strategy for my future fights.  

Would I be more successful if I break down all the little decisions supporting my effort and simply choose the harder option?  This strategy change would force me to focus on fewer but harder decisions.  Could it make sense to examine past failures to determine a baseline of hard choices, and then actively work to make more hard choices in my next attempt?    Tyson Fury has proven that success is directly correlated to the number of hard decisions a person is willing to make, so why should my fights be any different, or yours for that matter. 

The Hard Choice - MORE or LESS

Tis the season for MORE . . . spending MORE money, doing MORE activities, and giving MORE time. The money, activities, and time in themselves are not bad, but the holiday season generates a toxic volume of MORE. It is the quintessential perfect storm of MORE that strikes between November 15 and January 1.  Here are some survey results that illustrate how the pressure of MORE impacts our stress levels around the holidays.

·       45% of Americans would prefer to skip Christmas altogether (2018 Think Finance survey)  

·       69% of Americans stressed by the feeling of having a “lack of time”

·       69% of Americans are stressed by a perception of a “lack of money”

·       51% of Americans are stressed by the “pressure to give or get gifts”

What makes LESS so hard? Why do we struggle to create a manageable holiday experience and truly enjoy ourselves? LESS is hard because it requires the word NO. MORE is prevalent because it feels better to say YES. MORE makes us feel important, valued, and that we are actively working towards something tangible. The action required to obtain MORE muffles any serious thoughts of introspection. We fool ourselves to think that MORE equates to better, so we chase MORE by answering YES. We are shocked to discover that MORE lacks the substance required to create anything of meaning.

In my own struggle to pursue LESS this holiday season, I have found myself relying on the word NO. In the last week, I have had to say NO to volunteer opportunities, family requests, social events, and that one extra gift for my kid. NO has offered some protection against the empty outcomes that materialize from MORE. LESS creates boundaries and leaves room to breathe.

For me, focusing on LESS has been hard. LESS sucks, and I am not immune to the allure of MORE. MORE feels good. I want MORE. My kids are happy when they get MORE. I am surrounded by people doing MORE, spending MORE, and having MORE. My senses are inundated by MORE and so it is no wonder I subconsciously chase MORE.

But in my struggle to pursue LESS this holiday season I realized that I need to practice saying NO throughout the year. I wonder if I was mindful about saying NO and doing LESS the other 11 months of the year, would doing LESS during the holidays be such a shock to my MORE addicted system. It is like I have been sitting on a couch all year saying YES, YES, YES and then the holidays show up and require the marathon of NO, NO, NO. I haven’t trained for the Marathon of NO, so I show up and try to do my best but I simply don’t have the muscle memory required to complete the race.

Better experiences, better relationships, better outcomes require focused intentionality that is only possible when we do LESS. LESS is only possible when we use NO at a greater rate than we use YES. So, as we all gear up for those new years resolutions, maybe one should be to say NO more often in 2020.

The Hard Choice - Act or Analyze

We live in a world driven by data. With advances in technology, we can analyze almost everything. The availability of data, while good, does have a downside. The downside of our newfound data overload is the problem of “paralysis by analysis.” The availability of data has conditioned us to require mountains of information before taking even the slightest step forward. Data is useful, but data should inform action, not impede it. Our newfound addiction to data, combined with the 21st-century fear culture created by the 24-hour news cycle has made taking action of any kind difficult. This modern-day recipe for inaction has convinced many of us that the safest thing to do is hunker down and protect our current “space.” A safe “space” might be a job, a relationship, an unfilled dream, or worst of all a mindset. We convince ourselves that action is more dangerous than inaction, so why take the risk.

I have been passive-aggressively avoiding the final action step of a personal project that I have been working on for a few years. This final step would remove the last protective border and leave me without a legitimate reason for keeping my project safely tucked away in the confines of my own existence. This final step sets in motion the possibility of public feedback and all of the perils that accompany an idea existing in the real world. Inactivity protects the project, but more truthfully, inactivity protects me. It protects me from failure, criticism, and a mirid of other scary unknowns. Indeed, by avoiding this last step and keeping the project to myself, it avoids failure, but at the same time, it also avoids impacting anyone.

Actions move us forward into an unknown territory where things have an equal chance to get worse or to get better. The unknown outcome of an action is risky, while inaction keeps us in the familiar. The familiar space of stagnation makes it easy to know what to expect. We are comfortable with our surroundings. Even if what we expect and our surroundings are less than optimal, at least we are sure of what they are. There is a certain level of relief that comes with knowing what to expect, even if it is bad.

The secret known by people that achieve great things is that the “state” of any new space is irrelevant. In other words, the condition of “better or worse” doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of things. Best case, we act, and the conditions improve. Great. But, if we act, and the conditions are worse, there is still a benefit. Poor conditions make it possible for a person to take more action, and all of this action leads to growth. The new situations, the new pressure, the new threats, the new pain, all of this caused by action makes us stronger. Action is hard. Action is scary. But action precedes growth, and growth is required to have anything great.

So I took the last step and decided to act. I hope you will take action on whatever you may be avoiding or over-analyzing. I am positioned to unleash my passion project into the world early next year, so stay tuned. I am inspired by a quote from Neil Pascrica, who said, “It is easier to act your way into a new way of thinking versus thinking of your way into a new way of acting.”

Hard Choice of the Week – Asking for Help

Why do we hate asking for help? Do we think it shows weakness? Are we worried our request will be a burden? Do we worry the person will judge our endeavor? Will they fail us and not be able to lend assistance? By asking for help, do we allow them into the process so much that they make things worse? Are we giving up control? Are we now under there debt and required to help if they ask something of us? Our avoidance of asking for help is most likely a mixture of all of the reasons above, but whatever the reason, people don’t like to ask for help. I know I certainly don’t. My fear of asking for help is rooted in being a burden and being judged.

Even in my destain of asking for help, the last week I have had to ask two people for help. My situation was made more difficult for two reasons. First, the people I needed help from were not what I would consider “close” friends. I had good relationships with these two individuals, but I hadn’t talked to either of these individuals in close to 10 years. The time-lapse in contact made my request feel selfish and completely inappropriate. I thought to myself, “How dare I ask for a favor from people I hadn’t spoken to in 10 years?” And, “What type of schmuck reaches out and asks for a favor after 10 years of radio silence?” The second challenge was that my request required some backstory, some level setting, so meaning my request would need a conversation. E-mail, text, IM wouldn’t cut it. My request for help was going to have to be person to person — no hiding behind the screen, no easy way out. I had to speak my request into existence.

To overcome my first hurdle (what type of jerk reaches out after ten years) I realized that every request for help is selfish. The definition of help is to make it easier for someone to do something by offering one’s services or resources. Any request for help is selfishly motivated. Your “help” assists me in getting something I want. My second hurdle was forcing myself to keep our scheduled time to talk. After getting an appointment on their calendars, I then had to make myself keep the appointment. I was tempted to e-mail these kind souls and tell them that I figured out my situation and didn’t need their time. For one of these meetings I had that very e-mail typed up and ready to send. But I thought about what has harder — canceling the meeting or keeping the meeting. The answer, much to my discomfort, was to keep the meeting. It was the HARD choice.

Both of my conversations had striking similarities. First, we talked for about 30 minutes about what was going on in our lives. (I mean, we did have 10 years to catch up on.) There were graduations, job changes, deaths, and other life events. After reacquainting ourselves, the big moment arrived. I provided the back story and then made my request for help. Much to my surprise, the first response from each person was, “thanks for asking for my help.” I was shocked by this response. I was taken back and unprepared for that response. I laughed at their comments and made a joke about me thanking them. The conversations continued with more detailed questions and thoughtful dialogue around my request The conversation ended with each person telling me that they couldn’t promise anything, but they would commit to helping me the best way they could. Now in hindsight, I could have made a better ask, so see this link so you don’t make some of the same mistakes I did.

I don’t know the final outcome of my request, and at this point, it is out of my control. How it turns out, in the end, is now secondary to being reminded of an important universal truth. Most people like helping others. These two people seemed earnestly grateful that I would ask for their help. My request did not seem like a burden, they did not pass judgment on the validity of my request, but the two people considering my request showed an unexpected sense of appreciation from my request.

Overcoming my fear and asking for help was a powerful reminder that fear gets in the way of all forward progress. Even if these two individuals can’t help advance my project, our relationships have been advanced forward. The act of asking for help created a unique setting for our friendship to be strengthened and evolve into something more than what it was before I asked. I am not saying we are vacationing together this summer, but there is more connectivity as a result of my reaching out to elicit their support. 

Ultimately, this new level of connectivity might be the best outcome of my request. This event has as generated two outcomes. First, a tangible reminder that FEAR is a waste of emotion. Second, a closer relationship with two really cool people in this world. Worth the risk — no matter how much help I actually get as a result of my request.

I am reminded of the great advice I received from a great mentor of mine. He was helping me raise some money for a local charity and as we talked about asking an acquaintance for a donation he reminded me that the worse thing someone can say to any request is“No”. He pushed me to add a zero to our request and pull the trigger. 

Do yourself a favor, get over yourself, face the fear and ask for help, or as my good friend says — pull the trigger. Who knows your request might do just as much good for the other person as it does for you

Being Right or Getting it Right

The irony of life is that at some point, we all stand at the brink of becoming something that we despise.  Life silently nudges us towards the undesirable situations that sit quietly at the edge of our consciousness. We proudly announce our position against a certain action, a set of behaviors, or an established attitude.  The recipe for our downfall comes in a mixture of emotion and ego.  I was at that frightening edge this week, and so the hardest choice I had to make this week was to “get it right” and not “be right.” 

This choice revolved around 9-year-old girls recreational soccer.  Sadly, and quite unexpectantly, I found myself at the edge of becoming the crazy youth sports dad.  I had been having some “philosophical differences” with one of my children’s coaches.  These differences were amplified because I was the assistant coach of this team.  I had the data points that would prove my way was a better way.  Our scoring record made it evident that my strategy was the right strategy.  I had other parents approaching me about the line-up and the strategy wondering why our team wasn’t using it the entire time.  After weeks of politely making suggestions to our head coach, I was told to shut up and know my role.  At that moment, I felt a wave of rage come over my body.  It was a mix of ego-based testosterone and the protective instincts of a papa bear.  At the same moment my daughter appeared at my side, asked me a random question about her water bottle (which she always leaves in the car).  Her smiling face helped me to hit the pause button.  While I was able to extinguish the sudden rage, the general stupidity of our current strategy consumed my thoughts.  We had three weeks of the season remaining.  I convinced myself that if the Bill Belichick of girls soccer could get his head out of his ass and listen to what I was saying that our team would be unstoppable.  

I couldn’t let the situation go until I decided to “get it right” instead of “being right.”  This mindset took two weeks to form.  I finally realized that the best thing for everyone was to finish the season as peacefully as possible.  Yes, we might have won the championship if we used my strategy.  The girls might have been more successful and had more fun.  The parents might have been more satisfied with the season in general.   Being hyper-aggressive about the line-up of 9-year-old girls soccer would have made me “right,” but I would have gotten the situation wrong.  If I had escalated the situation it would have soured the season for the players.  “Getting it right” meant that the girls had fun and finished the season on a positive note, without the drama generated from a 40-year old, overly competitive adult. 

My shift in mindset happened the night before our last game, which allowed the season to end in a positive manner.    The week following my eureka moment I have been mindful of this binary choice – “being right” versus “getting it right.”  I was surprised how often this hard choice arises.  I noticed it quite a few times when parenting my kids, dealing with my wife, and working through situations at work.  I didn’t always choose to “get it right,” but I realized that the times I did decided to “get it right” the outcomes were always positive.  However, when I chose to “be right” I was only satisfied with the result 50% of the time, and to make matters worse “being right” created much more emotional drama.   Yes, “being right” felt more satisfying at the moment, but after some time and reviewing the overall outcome – it was clear that “getting it right” beats “being right” every time. 

“Being right” is all about you.  It makes you feel better, feel smarter, feel more powerful.  “Getting it right” is about the situation, which usually involves putting the needs of other people above your need to be right.   This hard decision requires a person to put their ego in check, and find a more powerful force than the feeling of being right.  In my soccer example, it took a well-timed, forgetful daughter to remind me of the importance of getting it right.